Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Random Table: Healing from the Snake God [D&D5E]

For use with Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition, but eh, use it how you like.

Constitution Save (DC 10 + the number of times healed) or roll d20 on the following table:

1. A small snake pours out of the wound and wraps itself around the injury much like a bandage or tourniquet. There it will remain long past the wound has healed, stirring only to remind the target that it needs the occasional morsel. It will stay there til the target’s dying days, quietly observing all the target does and informing the snake god of their doings. Remove it gently and it will simply make its way back to the old injury that night; use force to harm it or kill it and risk the snake god’s wrath, usually involving being pulled apart by huge 50’ constrictors that come either in the dead of night when you least expect it or smack bang in the middle of the day in a very public place. Nothing says “don’t fuck with me” quite like pulling apart an infidel in the market square with giant magical anacondas.

2. The wound heals miraculously, but the target collapses in panic as they are struck completely blind. The iris rolls completely back inside the head, leaving only the whites of the eye showing. Within a day the white hardens and fades to a dull eggshell color. For that is what they are: eggshells, that after d12 days begin to crack as the creatures within each are born: two baby snakes slither from between the eyelids and bury themselves in the warmth of the target's clothes. With their birth, the target's sight returns, but only to see through the eyes of their eye-born snakes. The target sees what each snake sees. They remain small throughout their lifespan – able to curl up in the void of the target's empty eye sockets –  and form a close kinship with their host, who is able to mentally direct them to some degree (treat as Animal Handling skill). They must be fed and cared for like any pet snake. The pair will die within d12 years, but not before mating and laying the next generation of eggs in the host's head, repeating the birth process and bonding with the host as their parents once did. 

3. The wound heals miraculously, with no immediate side effects; but any child sired by the target will be born as a snake.

4.
 The wound heals miraculously, but the target begins to choke and cough, bloodily vomiting up their tongue in moments. Inside their head they can feel something growing out of the floor of their mouth: any who dare look inside will be attacked by the poisonous viper that now lives inside. The aggressive resident is 1d4 feet long, and anytime the host's mouth opens it will strike out if a target is within range (though never at its host, which it guards with extreme prejudice). Roll on the poisonous snake table below to see the effect of the poisonous bite.

5. The wound heals miraculously, but the target immediately begins to feel like their skin is crawling. And it is: within moments their skin begins to fall away, as does their hair, revealing the iridescent sheen of a new coat of snake scales beneath. Within d12 hours the moult is complete. The leathery hide provides +1AC, but sheds three times a year. 

6. The injury heals but the wound does not close. Instead it is lanced with sudden pain as two fangs work their way out of the wound, as does a forked tongue, transforming the wound into the mouth of a snake. The damage caused by its bite equals the nearest dice size to the original number of HP healed by the priest, rounding down (so a 5hp injury now does a 1d4 bite, a 13hp injury now does 1d12, lucky you if your table has a d30). There is also a 50% chance the fangs are venomous, and if they are they require a Constitution Save vs DC 10 + fanger’s level/2, doing 1d6 HP damage each round until saved.

7. The injury heals but the pain from the wound immediately transfers to the target’s mouth as their tongue slowly splits in two. With this new forked tongue the target is able to speak the language of snakes and ophidians. The target also gains an enhanced sense of smell, able to taste the air for lifeforms within 30’ and know the general direction as the tongue flickers in and out. It also looks really weird.

8. The wound heals but fails to close; every dusk it gives birth to a live snake.

9. The wound heals miraculously, with no immediate side effects save for an occasional uncomfortable feeling in the innards that grows worse over the following weeks. Over the next month, the next slashing or piercing injury that opens up the target’s torso will cause them to gout a shower of snakelings that have infested their host (yeah just like that scene in Temple of Doom). The target has become a snake birthing machine, and every month will need to open up their abdomen in order to release them. Failure to do so is left to the cruelty of the DM.

10. The wound heals miraculously, with no immediate side effects; but that night first one digit suddenly drops off, and the following night another extremity. By the end of the first three weeks all fingers and toes will have parted ways with the target, and soon the hands, ears, and feet come clean off as well. Hairs start to fall out, scales growing in their place as the stumpy legs begin to ache, and soon the forearms, and then the upper arms are gone while the legs fuse together. In all it takes about a month for the target to transform into a giant snake. All mental faculties are retained, and typical ophidian senses are gained. 

11. Snake eyes! The wounds heals instantly and everything’s cool, except the target now has snake like eyes with awesome irises and slitted pupils. No particular benefit other than being a hit at certain parties.

12. The wound heals miraculously, leaving only a strange tingle in the target’s mouth and a foul taste on their tongue. The next time living flesh passes within 3 inches of their mouth the target will unwittingly bite whoever or whatever it is with venomous fangs extended. Roll on the snake generator table to see what kind of poison the target produces. The retractable fangs - the uncontrollable desire to bite anything that gets to close - are now a permanent feature.

13. The wound heals miraculously, but it begins to rain snakes in a one mile radius around the location where the target was healed. The snake storm lasts 1d6 minutes; on a 6 roll again, for the storm lasts 1d6 hours, and on another 6 roll again, for the storm lasts that many days, and so on… for weeks, months, years, centuries, millennia…

14. The wound heals miraculously, but the target is struck down with a splitting headache. For their head really is splitting, as 6d6 snakes burst from their skull, to a length of 1d4 feet. The crippling agony passes within a minute, but the target now has snakes instead of hair, much like a gorgon. Alert and vicious, they draw their nourishment from the target’s now purely carnivorous diet of live prey, and in return the snakes provide them with all round ophidian senses including infravision up to 60’. They are surly and cantankerous, a mess of flickering movement unless the target individually names each and every snake, in which case they settle down and become quite friendly in a wriggly snakey kinda way.

15. The target convulses and collapses in agony and swiftly strips naked, tearing at their skin as they begin to shed the outer layers of their dermis. The screams and convulsions are quite unnerving, as the target slowly peels apart over 1d6 minutes until they emerge from their shedded skin with their wounds healed. 

16. The wound rapidly festers and rots like a necrotic bite, only the area of the rot is still physically present, just not visible. Over the following d6 days the rots spreads until the target’s body is rendered permanently invisible. Not bad, but not great, for the target’s body has actually been transplanted to a different frequency of existence, and is able to see that the entire multiverse is crawling with snakes normally invisible to the naked eye. String Theory was close, only it wasn’t string, it was snakes. There are snakes everywhere, and everywhen, and they can see you. Surprisingly, you feel pretty ok with that. Magical effects like True Seeing will reveal the target, but not the ophidian nature of reality. What the ophidiverse wants with the character is up to the DM.

17. The wound heals miraculously but the target immediately becomes aware of a vast malevolence slowly constricting the world: it is the Encircling Serpent servant of the snake god, who shall bring about the doom of the world. It waits patiently and gazes hungrily at its waiting meal, and the character always knows the exact direction to the Encircling Serpent’s fanged maw. Facing that direction (it’s random every day as the Serpent slides around the globe) forces the character to suffer the effects of a Cause Fear spell, with failure to resist rendering the character unable to head in that direction until dawn the next day, though they can tack like a ship heading into the wind. The plus side is the character gains a global affinity and always knows which of the cardinal directions they are facing. Weird.

18. The wound heals instantly, but the cold reptilian logic of snakes is revealed to the target, and they are able hear the thoughts of any ophidian creature within 120’. In an environment crawling with snakes such as a jungle or a Yuan-ti city this can be a little overwhelming, and the character must make a Wisdom Save DC 10 or be overcome, putting them at a disadvantage until they can drown out the thoughts either with narcotics or sleep. The upshot is that all surface thoughts of said ophidians are revealed to the character, along with the benefits this information could provide. Highly sentient creatures are allowed an Intelligence Save with a DC of the character’s Intelligence to subconsciously block out any thought reading attempts.

19. The wound heals but as miracles go it’s one of the less fun ones: the sky overhead rips open and a snake of truly gargantuan proportions descends from the heavens in search of the target and swallows them whole before returning to its rightful place under the throne of the snake god. This beast cares not for what level of the dungeon you’re on, nor what plane of existence you’re hiding on. You’re dead. So sorry.

even cooler with googles
20. The target dies at the touch of the snake-worshipping healer and instantly desiccates to a hardened husk but that’s ok! Cause like a snake crawling out of the egg, the character is reborn as either as a Yaun-Ti or Intellectual Property Rights Issue Free Serpentfolk, crawling out of their dead body and emerging triumphant and all snakey-wakey. Unless your DM’s a dick and wants to give you snake arms, or make you lower half humanoid and upper half snake, you’re now a cool-as centaur-like creature with upper body humanoid and lower body of a giant snake. You’ll also get scaly skin and fangs and snake eyes and forky tongue action. Everyone will want to be just like you, and will come crawling to be healed by the snake priest. Job done!


Unless otherwise stated above, all wounds healed have the following conditions:

All slashing wounds healed by a snake priest leave a subtle patina of scales around the edge of the injury.
Crush damage that is healed by a snake priest leaves an angry patch of boils. Occasionally they swell and burst, spawning a solitary snake who is just really confused about its parents.
Piercing damage healed by a snake priest does not close up; instead it dribbles intermittent gouts of venom that can be used to coat weapons with a single use poison. 

Autopsies conducted on people healed by snake priests will reveal the presence of dozens of snakes winding around organs throughout the body. The more healing they have received, the greater the size and number of snakes.

All these effects can be completely avoided by taking an oath of obedience to the snake priest's deity prior to being healed.

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